What a statement – let me explain by coming with me on a trip to Fiji ☺
We can see ourselves as a failure, rather than separating our behaviour as just an action. We can actually fear failure, we can even fear, the fear of failure. We become one with it and attach ourselves to that failure as we empower that fear.
In January 2017, I was holidaying in Fiji with my husband, daughter, son-in-law and two grandchildren, then 10 and 6. One of the days we were there, my daughter said “mum,
we are all going to go Ziplining”. If you don’t know what ziplining is let me paint a picture for you.
Your drive to a forest, where there are wires strung between the trees, with platforms to get to these wires. When my daughter asked me, my fears rose up. My limiting beliefs kicked in. I was saying to myself “I can’t do this. It’s impossible for me. I am way to old for this, this is crazy”. All running around in my mind. I was setting myself up by empowering fear, by fearing the fear of failure. But what I thought, I did not speak out as I didn’t want to look foolish. Instead I said , “sure I can do that”, all the time knowing and believing that “NO I CANT” this was loud in my mind. My self-talk was going strong and I was empowering it.
What do you empower?
When we have no evidence to prove that we can do something when we are stepping out for the first time to try something new. No experience to evaluate ourselves against, to know we can achieve this, I find that we can so often allow the fear to rise up within us. Fear that we will fail and when this becomes a way of thinking, a habit, we start to fear the fear, as we know the result of that fear and we empower it to take over in our minds and hearts. You could say a self fulfilling prophesy.
Back to Fiji ☺
So off we go out into the bush. My husband said “no way, I am not doing that”. We arrive, my little granddaughter was 6, she stayed with my husband and the rest of us went off. Daughter, son-in-law and then 10-year-old grandson, get harnessed up, put our helmets on and in that moment, I take my glasses off. Why – for a couple of reasons. I did not want to drop them as I swung between the trees, but deep down, I did not want to know where I was going. I was filled to over flowing with that fear well empowered in my thnking. I already knew I would fail. Have you every felt like that?
We walk up to the platform, my grandson takes off and is hanging upside down having a wonderful time as are my son-in-law and my daughter as they take off. My turn is next!
The instructor explained what I had to do, how to start and how to stop. I don’t think I heard a word she was saying, as fear had overtaken me. They had to push me off as I could not even start.
Surprise, surprise, 1st jump failed. I could not go fast enough and they had to manually pull me into the next platform. One thing you need to know with a zipline is that once you committ to go on, there is no coming back, you have to keep going through 5 big lines.
Each line I got worse. By the time I got off at the end, I was done! I was crying, I felt like I was a total failure, what I had feared had come true.
I got back to my husband and said “that’s it no more for me”. My daughter came up and said, “that’s okay mum you did well by having a go, In that moment she reiterated my lack of self-belief, not intentionally, but this is what I heard in my mind. “You had a go but you failed – you’re not up to this”.
Just reflect for a moment. How many times have you said that to someone else, or said it to yourself that’s okay you had ago, as an excuse for not continuing or that’s okay I knew I would fail. Of course things don’t always work first time. But then we get up and fail forward, not backwards. That’s a different mindset isn’t it!
Back to the story..
In the midst of this moment, my little 6 year old granddaughter decides that she is going to have a go, and harnesses up and heads off with her dad. They all go back to the zipline for a second go. I stay behind with my husband feeling defeated. Fear had won!
In that moment, I had to make a decision, to continue to fear the fear of new things, new opportunities, new ventures and keeping empowering this to grow stronger and stronger in my life and walk away feeling like a failure and allow this BS (Bogus Story) to win. Or was I going to overcome this and step up and go again.
In that moment so much went through my mind
- What sort of example was this for my grandchildren
- If I did not face this fear and push through this BS, what would I allow to stop me next?
- I needed to do this for myself not for anyone else.
- To believe in myself, to empower myself, to change my thinking.
Experience is not the best teacher; evaluated experience is. You get to decide if that experience is good or bad. If it keeps you stuck or if it empowers you to try again. Fear of the future or an unknown possibility is a natural response for the one who has no experience from the past. Confidence comes from evaluating experience.
My evaluation I could have been ‘well I tried, I knew I would fail and I did’. Or ‘I learn’t what I need to do by that failure, and now I will give it a go, in a different way. Your attitude towards failure determines your altitude after failure!
Did I believe the lie that it was impossible for me? A life changing moment for me right there. You may be thinking it’s only a Zipline. Correct it’s only a Zipline, it does not matter BUT it had so much more meaning in how I thought and acted going forward.
Empower the BS of Fear or Empower Self-belief
What would I do? I decided there in that moment to harnesses up again and head off up to the zipline.
BUT this time there was a difference. I told myself that it was possible I pushed back at the fear. I took an intentional action and I put my glasses on! Why, because when we step out boldly in courage and face the fear, we need to see the next step of where we are going, and to trust ourselves in the process. Our attitude will be the difference maker. Most importantly, I needed to do this for me, no one else. To overcome and face my fear, my lack of belief in myself. I had to push through BS and not allow it to hold me captive.
Do you have a fear of fear? Do you have a fear that is holding your back and limiting your potential, your dreams, your hopes, your future. That lack of belief in yourself that stops taking the next step?
This fear, this lack of self-belief is not pre-set. We set it ourselves. You have seen in my zipline story, I set myself up for failure the minute my daughter asked me to do something that took me out of my comfort zone.
Our attitude and actions change the outcome.
Is my story of setting yourself up to fail a familiar one for you? Perhaps right now it requires you to make a shift – an intentional action – a shift in your thinking – to look at your fears and what you are empowering in your life.
How do you do this? You can start with reflecting on this months Growth Letter.
Journal on what are the limiting beliefs you have, the BS, the fears. Where are you fearing fear. Where has this stopped you from stepping out into opportunities, your dreams, your future?
Decide on a simple, one step action to move forward, one step, step up to your zipline. A journey of a thousand steps begins with one. Empower a different way of thinking.
You may wondered how I went on my second try of the zipline – well I nailed it! I actually enjoyed the view from the wires ☺ would not rush back to do it again, but I did it!
We can directly affect our future by being aware and taking control of our thinking. What we think about today is what we become tomorrow . In Remarkable You,
In chapter 11, P75 I share on how to enable a belief in yourself, and how I took steps to be consistently accountable to myself with my choices to strengthen this belief
